What to do (when you’re not playing ukulele)


It's still early in the new year, so is it ok to talk about plans, dreams, and goals?

Here are a few of mine:

  • Crash a wedding (please let me know if you’re getting married soon, and do NOT send me an invitation)
  • Buy (and eat) something from the restaurant near my house that's actually named Elvis’ Hotdog Palace
  • Greyhound racing (buses, not dogs)
  • For one week, spend nothing but two-dollar bills
  • For another week, spend nothing but two dollar bills
  • For a third week, enjoy and appreciate the hyphen
  • Convince my little son that I can speak to dolphins
  • Reveal to my son that what I told him was dolphin talk was actually bat talk
  • Wait 15 years and apologize to my son for wasting all that time
  • Act on my newfound interest in dolphins and develop life-saving artificial blowhole to blowhole resuscitation
  • Buy a tiara and act startled, then suspicious, when anyone mentions it
  • Do puns in reverse
  • Try to come up with a cool rhyming nickname like “Evel” in Evel Kneivel
  • Volunteer at a place that doesn't have volunteers, then accuse them of being anti-volunteer, then volunteer to help them overcome their reputation of being anti-volunteer. Repeat.
  • Decide and stick with either “trash” or “garbage”
  • Apply suitcase name tags, so I'll always know which objects are suitcases
  • Write more “things to do” lists

And what about you?

your annoying little pal,

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